An unexpected divorce? Here's what you need to do next

SHAH ALAM - When we think about divorce, all we can picture is prolonged unhappiness, frequent fights, and hostility between spouses in a marriage. However, many divorces begin with one spouse being caught entirely off guard by the news that the other wants to end the union.

It takes work to receive and come to terms with such news. When your life was on a smooth path moments ago, now it feels like it's veering off in an unexpected direction.

Earlier this month, news broke that singer Joe Jonas filed for divorce from actress Sophie Turner after four years of marriage and two children. What shocked many even more weeks later was the fact that Turner, who fans nickname 'Queen of the North' - her title on the Game of Thrones series, found out about the divorce via media reports. This was based on court documents obtained by The Independent – filed on Sept 21 in the southern district of New York.

When the person you loved and trust now wants to end the relationship, you may be left wondering what went wrong and what you should do next.

One might be in shock while you feel the life you have built together begin spiralling down. Association of Women Lawyers former president Goh Siu Lin shares with Sinar Daily on what one should do as you go through this unexpected ordeal.

Do not react to emotions or panic

Goh said the person on the receiving end, be it wife or husband, should not react based on emotions and panic, especially after the initial reaction of anger or trauma. Just calm down.

"Do not react based on emotions and do not panic, as after the initial trauma reaction, you has to calm down,” she said.

She added that sometimes they are not aware and act on emotions quickly, which has a downside. Being patient is key to ensure you react in a rational way.

“Usually an emotional reaction is not triggered by rational thinking, and panicking would only cause more damage,” she said.

Get a lawyer and find out your legal rights

The next thing you have to do is find out your legal rights, Goh said. It's vital to get a family lawyer who can advise you on the options you have in moving forward.

“There are many roads to divorce, such as through courts and mediation, and the best method that has recently been introduced into Malaysia is collaborative law,” she said.

She highlighted that lawyers recommend collaborative law as it prioritises the children's interests and promotes a peaceful and dignified divorce.

“It also doesn’t mean to agree on everything that is proposed as well. They must know the appropriate lawyer to guide them in the process, as those who are trained have the additional skill sets and additional litigation,” she said.

Avoid financial dependence

Before entering a marriage, Goh said women should avoid complete financial dependence on their husbands. It is important for women to educate themselves about their rights.

"It's essential to maintain financial independence, financial literacy, and an understanding of family finances.

"The registered properties should be jointly registered, and building a good social network as well is needed," she said.

Seek assistance from professionals and NGOs

Social isolation imposed by a husband can be a major red flag and a form of domestic violence. In such cases, seeking help from non-governmental organisations (NGOs) or family lawyers is crucial.

“If the wife feels there are red flags such as emotional violence, domestic violence, and financial abuse, reach out for help by going to NGOs or family lawyers,” she said.

Goh added that a wife should be financially independent and educated before ending a marriage, as she needs to maintain the family structure post-divorce.

"Decisions regarding child custody and primary carers should also be carefully considered," she said. On asset division, Goh said the process usually involves financial and non-financial contributions, requiring appropriate documentation. If a party did not contribute financially, they should provide evidence of their non-financial contributions.

She said that it is highly advised not to remove a father from a child's life when going through a divorce, as it can negatively affect the child's identity and family heritage.

“The children would lose the family heritage and family resources if they cut off the father just like that,” she said.

Goh said many people are not aware and act on emotions, and usually an emotional reaction is not triggered by rational thinking.

“If the emotional trauma is too great and can’t be handled, they need to seek a mental health professional to support them during this transition period,” she expressed.

One can seek help from various groups including the Women's Aid Organisation at their hotline 03-30008858 or via text/Whatsapp at 018-9888058; or Women's Centre for Change at 04-228 0342.