Modern struggles of 'mothering': Strict, soft or somewhere in between?
In a world shaped by rapid change, digital influence and shifting ideas of “good parenting,” the answer is rarely simple.
NATASYA AZHARI
AT A GLANCE
- The Parenting Tug-of-War: Modern mothers are increasingly conflicted between the disciplined, authoritarian upbringing of their past and the gentle parenting trends of the digital age.
- Expert Recommendation: Psychiatrist Prof Datuk Dr Andrew Mohanraj advocates for "authoritative parenting"—a balanced approach that is firm yet warm, prioritising consistency over perfection.
- Values-Based Guidance: Islamic principles emphasise moderation, teaching that discipline should be educational rather than harsh, and that parents must serve as primary role models.
BETWEEN discipline and tenderness, many modern mothers are quietly questioning not just how they are raising their children, but whether they are doing it right.
In a world shaped by rapid change, digital influence and shifting ideas of “good parenting,” the answer is rarely simple.
For some, the struggle begins with a familiar voice from the past – the way they were raised – still lingering in how they raise their own children today.
In conjunction with Mother’s Day, we spoke to Nurul Adlina Aida Kamarudin, 26, who shared her experience as a mother.
Raised in a disciplined household by a mother who was a teacher and as a firstborn, she said those early values continue to strongly shape the way she now raises her own child.
“I believe if there’s no discipline, children will be doing whatever they want without even thinking,” she told Sinar Daily.
“Sometimes I do feel a bit conflicted between being strict and also being gentle with my children,” she said.
The Balance of Discipline
However, she said that the way she teaches her child depends on the situation, especially when correcting mistakes.
“If it’s wrong, then it’s wrong. What I do is whenever she’s making a mistake, I will reprimand her. But at the end of the day, I will always talk to her, make things right and tell her that I love her," she said.
She also acknowledged the pressures of modern parenting, saying it is “really tough” amid today's technologies and influences.
Psychological Transitions
This reflects a broader concern, as Malaysian Mental Health Association president and consultant psychiatrist Prof Datuk Dr Andrew Mohanraj said such struggles are common among today’s parents.
He said what many mothers are experiencing is not confusion, but a psychological transition between generations.
He explained that parenting styles are shaped by early experiences, where those raised in highly authoritarian homes may tend toward control and rigidity.
“This reflects a clash between what they experienced growing up and what modern parenting culture promotes,” he said.
Dr Andrew said the healthiest approach is balance.
“The healthiest balance is authoritative parenting, which is firm but warm,” he said.
He added that parenting is not about perfection.
“Children do not need perfection. They need consistency and safety,” he said.
Education Over Harshness
Meanwhile, Karya Bestari Senior Quran Editor Mohamad Amiro Safwan Kamil highlighted the importance of Islamic values in parenting.
He said Islam encourages moderation in raising children, where love and discipline must be balanced. “Parents may pamper their children, but not excessively to the point of fulfilling every demand,” he said.
He added that discipline in Islam is not meant to be harsh but educational. “Discipline helps them become more responsible and organised in life,” he said.
He also stressed that parents must act as role models, as children observe and imitate the way parents speak, behave and live.
He added that true upbringing goes beyond material provision.
“Love is not shown merely through buying toys, but through providing proper education, guidance and values,” he said.
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