How to set conversational boundaries for festive season survival

WHILE festive holidays are meant to be celebratory, many also dread them because of the inevitable onslaught of personal questions and comments. “Got boyfriend yet?”, “When are you getting married?”, “Why no kids yet?”, and “You look like you gained weight!”

Implied societal expectations like these can feel intrusive and weigh heavily on people, especially to Gen Z — recognised by various studies as ‘the most anxious generation in history’ — when they are already struggling with overexposure to unrealistic portrayals of success on social media.

Many Gen Zs in Malaysia tend to just grin and bear it because they don’t know how to respond, or don’t want to appear rude to their elders. But you don’t have to suffer in silence; there are ways to set healthy conversational boundaries while keeping the peace. Here are some strategies you can try.

1. HAVE A STOCK RESPONSE READY

By now, you likely know the types of questions you’ll encounter about your age, appearance, career/school, or relationships. Consider preparing some stock answers in advance so that you aren’t left fumbling, which can also help you feel more prepared and confident.

Bonus points if your answer is witty, because that takes the sting out. An uncle once said to me after lunch, “We couldn’t help noticing your tummy, is there any (baby) news you want to share with us?” Thankfully, my internal horror didn’t stop me from saying: “Only a food baby in here right now! If that changes, you’ll be the first to know!” (He won’t.)

However, your mileage may vary; if the asker doesn’t share your sense of humour, you may end up getting a lecture instead, so proceed at your own discretion!

2. REDIRECT THE CONVERSATION

Younger people tend to clam up when asked intrusive questions, hoping the asker will move on, but typically this only encourages more questions to fill the silence. Instead, try redirecting the conversation to another subject.

Here’s an example: “Kids? Aiyoh, how to support a child in this economy? I’m already paying a minimum of RM11 for chap fan in my area and just the other day, I heard that tariff rates were going to rise ...”

Follow that up by asking them a question about the new subject to prolong the tangent and often, the original subject will be forgotten. For maximum effectiveness, make sure you choose something the asker enjoys discussing to get them really into it.

3. TURN THE SPOTLIGHT BACK ON THEM

Multiple studies have shown that people enjoy talking about themselves — so use that to your advantage. At the earliest opportunity, ask your would-be interviewer about themselves instead. This puts control of the conversation in your hands, takes the pressure off you and makes them feel good, so what’s not to like?

This works best if you’re a naturally bubbly person, because you can go on the offensive and start asking them questions the moment the greetings end. But even if you’re not, you can always find opportunities at the end of your ‘turn’ in the conversation to ask them something about themselves — and then press that advantage by repeating the pattern.

You won’t be able to entirely escape the questions, but controlling the conversation from the start gives you more power to direct it. “Hi, Auntie! You’re looking so beautiful in that shirt! How is the family? No, I’m still single but working on it! Where did you get that necklace, it’s beautiful! I heard that you and your son were at 1 Utama the other day ...”

4. SPARE THE DETAILS

One especially irritating aspect of festive interrogations are when questions come accompanied by assumptions. “Still single ah? Must be because you’re so picky lah ...”, “Eh you and that person broke up? Didn’t spend enough time together is it...”

It can be tempting to explain your stance and/or the details of what happened — and you can certainly do so if you want to — but if you don’t want to, it’s okay to just give a general summary and keep it vague. No one is entitled to an explanation that you don’t feel like giving; it’s really none of their business, but you can still be polite about that boundary.

A response to the first question could look like “I keep an open mind — if it’s meant to be, it’ll be!” while the second could be “We just wanted different things in life and we’re both happier now.” People will typically stop there, but if you’re pressed to explain further, then consider plan B: using one of the previous three tactics!

WELL-MEANING, JUST NOT WELL-PHRASED

Even though these seasonal questions are a pain to deal with every year, they typically happen because of good intentions. Friends and family might not see you that often and want to check in on how you’re doing, as well as offer any advice they have that they think can help you. They might not express their thoughts in the best way, but most of the time, it comes with good intentions.

However, acknowledging those good intentions doesn’t mean you have to sacrifice your peace of mind. It’s fine to be respectful but firm about responding to questions or comments that you don’t feel comfortable fielding. Most people will get used to your style after a while, and for those that don’t, my only advice is to have an escape route planned — something always needs doing for festive preparations, after all!