Learn how to stop being your own worst critic
Self-compassion is not the same as self-esteem. It means being kind to yourself regardless of abilities or outcome.
KALPANA MAHENDRAN25 Jan 2025 09:00pm
Show yourself the same kindness that you would show for others. Photo: Generated by AI
Psychotherapist Brooke Schwartz says we are harsh on ourselves because we hope it will motivate us to improve, but in fact, punishment is a poor way to reinforce behaviour. “Self-criticism doesn’t increase your sense of control,” she writes, “but rather tricks your brain into feeling in control.”
A better alternative is self-compassion. Defined by psychologist Kristin Neff, this means “...taking an understanding, nonjudgmental attitude toward one’s inadequacies and failures, and recognising that one’s experience is part of the common human experience.”
Self-compassion is not the same as self-esteem. It means being kind to yourself regardless of abilities or outcome. It is also not the same as being too permissive with yourself; compassion can actually increase motivation because it makes the prospect of failure seem less daunting.
Instead, self-compassion involves being realistic with yourself, being fair, and treating yourself with the same kindness that you would treat a friend.
1. LEARN TO IDENTIFY SELF-CRITICISM
First, it’s important to know when a thought is cruel or unhelpful. For instance, “I can do better on the next test if I practice writing essays” is a helpful thought. However, “I’m stupid and I’ll never be good enough” is a form of harmful self-judgement. It is unfair, mean, and often simply untrue.
2. UNDERSTAND THAT SELF-CRITICISM IS A SURVIVAL TACTIC
Don’t beat yourself up for beating yourself up. Instead, accept that you have high standards for yourself but sometimes go too far. Rather than being disappointed for having an inner critic at all, try to think of self-criticism as a tactic that should be discarded because it’s not proving useful.
3. BE REALISTIC
It is not helpful to catastrophise. One failed exam does not mean you will fail at life. If a friend takes time to reply to a text, that does not mean they hate you. The worst-case scenario is not guaranteed to happen, so do not assume the worst.
4. BE OBJECTIVE INSTEAD OF SUBJECTIVE
A statement such as “I’m a bad person and everyone hates me” is neither true nor based on evidence. Instead, focus actual events; for instance, “I said something hurtful and I wish I hadn’t.”
By pinpointing an action or event, rather than a perceived character flaw, you can decide what to do next. It is impossible to remedy ‘being a bad person’ in general, but it is easier to apologise for a specific statement, from which you can acknowledge and move on.
5. LEARN TO SEE THE GOOD IN YOURSELF
Would you ever tell a friend that they are worthless, stupid, ugly, or not good enough? There is no reason that you should be held to a different standard from the rest of the world.
Show yourself the same kindness that you would show for others.
6. KNOW WHAT IS IMPORTANT TO YOU
What values do you want to live by? Is negative self-talk helping or hindering you from achieving what’s important? Let’s say you value doing your best in your studies.
Is it helpful to call yourself stupid, or to study to the point of neglecting your own needs? Or would you better reach your goals if you were relaxed, focused, and not constantly anxious about failure?
7. FOCUS ON POSITIVITY TOO
Part of the reason we never feel good enough is because we often discount our own successes. Maybe you’ve been trying to eat healthy, but have not managed to cut out sugar completely this week.
However, did you eat healthier than you did last week? If so, that’s a success. If not, you have the chance to try again next week. Even small wins are important; over time, they will build up to big wins.
8. REMEMBER YOU ARE ONLY HUMAN
Failure, uncertainty and struggles are part of the human condition. You do not exist in isolation, nor do you deserve to be treated worse than everyone else.
Right now, there are probably millions of people struggling with the same problems you are. And just like them, you will someday beat your problems too.
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