Outgrowing a friendship: Is it okay to let go?
The truth is, relationships are meant to evolve.
There is a certain ache that comes with realising a friendship no longer feels like home. It is not always loud or dramatic, sometimes it creeps in quietly, through an awkward silence, a heavy heart after coffee catch-ups or a subtle mismatch in values.
For many adults, this shift does not come with closure, just an uneasy guilt for stepping back from someone who once felt like family.
But maybe - just maybe - outgrowing a friendship is not a betrayal, but a form of emotional maturity.
According to Associate Professor Dr Fauziah Mohd Sa’ad, a Psychology Counselling Expert at Universiti Pendidikan Sultan Idris, outgrowing a friendship is not about blame or failure.
“To me, outgrowing a friendship means that the connection, shared values or mutual understanding that once brought two people together no longer fits who you are becoming.
“It is not about blaming or failure, it is simply part of personal growth,” she said in an interview with Sinar Daily.
Fauziah explained that adults often notice this change when interactions begin to feel emotionally draining or when they no longer feel respected or supported. When the effort to maintain the relationship feels one-sided, that is another clear sign.
Being aware of these feelings, Fauziah said, allows us to re-evaluate our relationships with care and make room for healthier, more fulfilling connections.
This awareness, though empowering, is often clouded by guilt, especially in cultures like Malaysia’s, where loyalty is deeply tied to identity.
“I believe that many people feel guilty about drifting away from old friends because we have been conditioned to think that loyalty means maintaining relationships forever, even at the expense of our own well-being.
“But the truth is, relationships are meant to evolve,” she pointed out.
Her advice? Letting go does not mean forgetting.
“Acknowledge the role that person played in your life without feeling the need to keep them in it indefinitely. Trust that stepping away can allow both of you to grow, even if it is apart.
“Focus on intention rather than obligation - friendships rooted in genuine care, not guilt, are the ones that truly heal,” she added.
Fauziah also draws a clear line between solitude and loneliness; an important distinction in a culture that often prizes constant socialising.
“Healthy solitude is a conscious and empowering choice, it brings peace, a sense of connection to myself and much-needed restoration. Loneliness, on the other hand, comes from unmet emotional needs and a deeper sense of disconnection, even when surrounded by others.
“Sometimes, just one genuinely supportive and present relationship can be more meaningful than a whole network built on surface-level interaction,” she added.
Senior lecturer Dr Wan Munira Wan Jaafar from the Department of Social and Development Sciences, Faculty of Human Ecology at Universiti Putra Malaysia, echoed these sentiments.
She highlighted that the fading of friendships from school or university is not only natural, but expected as we move through life stages.
“In Malaysia’s collectivist culture, this can cause guilt due to an ingrained sense of loyalty. However, understanding that relationships evolve with life stages can help Malaysians reframe this process.
“Instead of clinging to connections that no longer align with current values or circumstances, adults can prioritise emotionally nourishing ties,” she told Sinar Daily when interviewed.
Rather than forcing connections that no longer reflect who we are, Munira encourages adults to nurture emotionally fulfilling ties with those who share their current values and circumstances.
Whether it is colleagues, fellow parents or neighbours, these new relationships may better reflect who we have become.
She added that the ability to recognise and act on these shifts is a sign of emotional intelligence.
“The concept of outgrowing friendships is a hallmark of emotional intelligence. It allows individuals to reflect on which relationships offer joy and trust, and which ones have become draining or mismatched.
“In Malaysia, where cultural norms may encourage maintaining ties out of duty, emotional intelligence can help people strike a balance - such as keeping cordial contact during festive seasons like Hari Raya or Chinese New Year while stepping back from unhealthy dynamics,” she said.
In the end, outgrowing a friendship does not make the connection any less real. It simply means you are honouring who you are now and giving yourself permission to grow.
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